I wouldn't be a DBT therapist if I didn't wholeheartedly believe that everything happens as it should. Making this post isn't how I envisioned me launching my blog. Truth be told, I actually have a post that I started last week sitting in my drafts, 75% finished. That was the post I envisioned launching this blog with. Clearly, life had other plans for me and instead I'm launching my blog by telling everyone a little bit about this weeks everything happens as it should moment for me.
Before I get to that, though, let me paint a picture for you. Picture this: it's September 2017. I'm not sure what you were doing back then, but I'll tell you what I was doing: starting my final semester of my bachelor's in psychology program. This was pretty big for two reasons: 1) the obvious one of once I was finished, as long as I passed my classes, then I'd officially have my bachelor's, and 2) this semester was senior thesis semester! For someone who swore (and still swears) to dislike the act of doing research (but loves to read it) - I am actually very grateful for this experience. I did my thesis on the relationship between social media and self-esteem - a relationship that, at that time, hadn't yet been explored in depth. Unfortunately, the data did not achieve statistical significance, only trended in favor of my hypothesis.
Ok, so now that we've got that out of the way, we can time travel back to present time. Tonight, an old co-worker of mine who I've remained connected with on social media reached out to me for a bit of assistance. Her and I worked together at a mental health facility at around the same time I was finishing up my bachelor's. As I would often be coming straight to work from school most days, I talked about it often. So, she knew about my thesis. She remembered it. And tonight, to help someone else in her life, she wanted to know if she could use it. My immediate response? Absolutely! My follow-up response: oh crap...what's the password for that account?
Don't worry - even though I haven't logged into that account in probably 4 or 5 years, I figured it out! If I hadn't, that would make for a pretty fruitless post. So I get in, I find it, I share it, and then I re-read it. I re-read it and I think to myself "wow, I was a pretty good writer." And then I think to myself, "wow, why didn't I try to publish this?" And then I think to myself, "wow, maybe I wouldn't have gotten rejected from that PhD program if I had published a journal article." And then...then I realize what I'm doing. I realize the rabbit hole I'm falling into and I stop myself. I realize that my brain is doing what it does best: be negative. And then, I remind myself that I'm not the same person I was 8 years ago - that I don't have to cave & bend to the negativity. That i don't have to let my emotions control me, I can control them. I remind myself that I can choose to do things differently.
So, I do. I validate myself. I am a pretty good writer - this is something I've heard from teachers, professors, friends, and family my entire life. I acknowledge that in this moment publishing my research is a logical option and, to 27-year-old Danielle whose mental & physical health was in shambles, it wasn't even a thought that crossed her mind. I acknowledge that yes, maybe I might not have gotten rejected from that PhD program and maybe I still would have - there's no way to really tell. And then...then I acknowledge the most important thing about all of this: it's okay.
It's okay that back then I struggled with my own self-esteem. It's okay that the thought to try to publish something I did never even crossed my mind. My mental health had steadily been declining for months. and, at that point, had switched into rapid downward spiral mode. Looking back at it now, it makes a lot more sense why I gravitated towards doing research, something I have no patience to do in the first place, on a topic that hit close to my own heart and actually enjoyed it. In fact, looking back at all of the research papers long forgotten to collect (inter)cobwebs in that account, it makes even more sense to me how I ended up on the path I'm on with the career I have. With topics like alexithymia, PTSD, theories of counseling, mindfulness, and self-injurious behavior, I think it's pretty safe to say it makes perfect sense that I'm not just a therapist...but a DBT & trauma therapist. It's like my mind was subconsciously setting it in motion for me the second I stepped foot back onto that campus in 2015 and I just didn't become consciously aware of it it until a few years later.
Then I thought to myself "hmm, wonder if I could publish it now." So of course I turned to the good old interwebs to see what the general consensus was. Unsurprisingly, this was not as much help as I'd hoped - some results said it was still possible, others said it wasn't. Truth be told, I don't really know if it would still be relevant enough to publish. If it were, the data has long been destroyed which, while not necessarily completely invalidating its ability to be published, could make it difficult if the journal I submit it to requests access to the data or asks for some sort of edit that can't be done without at least me being able to access the data. So, I've decided to forgo trying to publish it and just...share it here for anyone who might be interested in reading about "The Effects of Social Networking on Facebook on Self-Esteem."
But, sharing the paper that I'm so proud of is only a part of the post. It's sharing why I'm sharing it that is truly the point. Were it not for my old co-worker reaching out about a thesis paper I wrote in 2017, I never would have taken this trip down academic lane. I never would've perused my thesis, or my other various writing assignments. I never would have stopped to give 27-year-old me the grace now that I needed then by acknowledging that I was doing the best I could in those moments with what I had. I never would have stopped to acknowledge hey - I'm doing things differently. I've learned. I've grown. And even though I sometimes still struggle, I have a different set of supports, a different set of coping skills, and a different way of thinking - a different way of seeing the world and seeing myself.
This paper was the last assignment I completed before starting my journey to becoming a mental health counselor. Tonight, it served as a reminder that even when it isn't what or how we wanted, even when it's unpleasant and we're struggling, and even if we can't see the impact of changes right away...everything is happening as it should. Everything is always happening as it should. Tonight, I'm grateful for the reminder that for me, everything is, in fact, happening as it should.
Happy World Mental Health Day, world.
Take care of yourselves ❤️
Sincerely,
Danielle Smith, LMHC, CCTS-I
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